The book I'll never write.

In chapter one, a grisly murder is described, in cleverly obfuscated detail, and the suspects are revealed. The narrative leads readers to suspect one suspect in particular despite the convenient alibi.

In chapter two, a crack private detective with a past and a drinking problem is assigned to the case. His assistant is a beautiful redhead with a smart mouth who's fond of balding rich men. The case had dragged her away from a date, and she's in no mood for the detective's half-hearted advances.

Chapter three contains recipes for casseroles: tuna, noodle and chicken.

Having left the snitch's apartment, chapter four finds our protagonists in a warehouse in Chinatown, digging through files for a clue that might unlock the mystery. Suddenly, a loud pop is heard, and the lights go out. Muffled screams, a tussle, and the lights come back on: the files are gone!

The detective gets an anonymous tip in the form of a matchbook slid under his office door in chapter five. The matches lead him to Fat Tony's Pastaria, where an infamous crime boss tells the detective that murder wasn't the only crime committed: several paintings were stolen, valued at millions of simollions. The victim was to sell them to him, and he wants them back. He offers the detective a handsome sum for their safe return; the P.I. accepts. And his assistant lands a date with the mobster.

Chapter eight is a lovely account of the 47th Annual Firefighters Ball of Fort Worth, Texas, submitted by Ms. Abigail Sinclaire, of the Dallas Sinclaires.

In chapter nine, the paintings are up for auction at Sotheby's, but the prime suspect is nowhere to be found. Though the paintings are offered anonymously, the detective scans the eyes of the crowd and spots a cousin of the victim, sweating mildly but with a gleam in his eye. The detective sends his assistant to flirt with him while he calls the mob boss.

Chapter ten: the cousing escapes, taking the redhead with him, but the detective is hot on his trail. The dragnet closes in.

Chapter 11 offers the gripping conclusion of the story, but not before extolling readers to pick up new Peptamint Cream, a minty alternative to all those other tooth powders. Try it today and smile like sunshine tomorrow! New Peptamint Cream! Available wherever dental products are sold.

Posted by Andrew Huff at August 6, 2003 02:27 PM